Confidence... part two - fake it 'til you make it...
There are tricks to appearing confident, but there is a fine
line between confidence and arrogance.
Unfortunately this line is usually determined unconsciously by the
“audience” based on their own level of confidence. Then we have those that are just too damned
cocky, but that’s an entirely different post! The biggest thing about
confidence is patience and the key to patience is in learning your
triggers. What types of situation or
personalities trigger your insecurities causing you to react negatively?
Vulnerability is an important social tool, but sometimes no
one needs to know when you're not feeling confident. You need to be confident to make a great
impression, but in unfamiliar situations or with unfamiliar people being
confident on the outside is far more important that being confident on the
inside. Lots of things make a person
confident, all can be learned, and fortunately we are already masters at some
of them.
Taking a look at the traits I wrote about here, how can we
develop them? If you consider the opposites it might be easier to see how to
fake it. Learning to believe in yourself
and reaching for new challenges instead of watching opportunity pass you by and
allowing external circumstance to affect your life are how to build
confidence. Once you achieve it on the
outside, you will start to feel it on the inside. Confidence is earned by hard work. So how?
This is what I have done and continue to try and do. Some days it is easier than others!
1. Take an honest look at yourself and be a realist. Do you have goals that you work towards or do
you have "when I'm slimmer/in less debt/ in a relationship then I'll
…" goals? Conceit or confidence? Do
you just talk the talk (conceit) or do you walk the walk (confidence)? What are
your weaknesses? What can you do to start to develop them into strengths? What
are your strengths? Knowing your strengths helps to maintain belief in yourself
when someone criticises you, fairly or not.
When you're feeling insecure you're more likely to be aggressive than
assertive. Once you're more aware of
strengths and weaknesses you should begin to keep insecurities under better
control. Happiness comes from
within. Burst that bubble of comfort and
do the scary thing!
2. It's all about the little things. The old adage of "take care of the
pennies and the pound will take care of itself" applies with the wins
too. Celebrate the small stuff. If you ate the frog and finally did that
horrendous task that you have been putting off – celebrate it! I love the
feeling I get of ticking things off a list. It's this psychological factor that
makes sense for breaking goals down into smaller achievable tasks. If you're not a runner, but you dream of
running a marathon, do you start by running 26.2 miles or do you start by
jogging for 30 seconds? Personally I'm
not great at this. After I was cleared
from an illness that side-lined me for a few years I decided to return to
running and needed a challenge to motivate me for the first three months. Most people would pick running a 5k as a
three month goal. That was too easy for
me and I opted for a half-marathon. Did
people think I had set myself up to fail? Yes. Did I fail? No. All I can say is
thank goodness for muscle memory…
3. Exercise. Yes, I
said it again. Not only is it great to
be healthy, but it boosts confidence and self-esteem as you smash PBs,
increases body image as you see yourself achieve things you couldn't
before. Id take exercise-induced
endorphins over a glass of wine any day.
Yes, I realise you may have stopped reading this now…
4. Fix personal and business relationships. Broken relationships breed criticism and
negativity. Where did the relationship
break down? What can you do to repair it? Is it important to you to repair it?
If not, maybe it's time to let go.
Having confidence means that you don't value another's opinion of
yourself to the detriment of your own.
Listen more than you speak. You learn and grow from listening. Celebrate other people and their
achievements. Everyone is better than the other at something, so don't judge
them or yourself against them. If we all
had Beckham's right foot then it would no longer be special.
5. Dress for success.
People say dress for the job you want, not for the job you have. I thoroughly agree. However, I also say dress for who you
are. What we wear can have a huge impact
on our confidence or lack of and on the aspects of personality that we
show. If you work in a very corporate
environment, but you like bright colours, the 1950's, or the androgynous look,
find ways to blend this into what is seen as the social norm. Start small, but always be yourself.
6. Have an affirmation.
Self-doubt creeps in during the quiet moments, when you're trying to
fall asleep or brushing your teeth.
Having an affirmation to battle those demons can be a great help to
boost confidence. When my illness was at
its peak and it took everything I had just to haul myself out of bed I would
tell myself that I am stronger than my illness, that I will not become the
negative statistic. It worked, most of
the time. I have a list of achievements,
things I have done that I am proud of, so I read that when I need a reminder of
everything I have achieved in my life.
7. Have a positive outlook.
Divorce is one of the most stressful moments in life. When I was going through mine I was working
for a surgeon specialising in cancer treatment.
No matter how rubbish I felt, how bad my life seemed (even though it was
my choice to divorce), at any given moment one of those patients could ring me
and I would be reminded as to how blessed my life actually is. I try to look for the positive in everything
now so much so that there are times my friends want to throttle me. Henry Ford said "whether you think you
can, or you think you can't – you're right". A positive mindset is powerful.
8. Say no. Just not
to idea 3… Research shows that if you are not confident in saying no you are
likely to have higher stress levels, experience burnout, or develop anxiety and
depression. All confidence bashers. Saying no to something means that you can
honour existing commitments, very important in being seen as a reliable and
trustworthy person. Which leads me into part three…
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